new blog

due to the overwhelming desire to speak my mind, I needed a blog that would allow me to password protect. therefore, my new blog is at www.robhod.net/blog

new blog

due to the overwhelming desire to speak my mind, I needed a blog that would allow me to password protect. therefore, my new blog is at www.robhod.net/blog

I am freaked

my ILs will be here tomorrow
i scheduled a meeting 45 min away for tomorrow evening last week b/c they said they would be here on thursday.

i am seriously contemplating NOT going to my meeting tomorrow, but then that could be money we missed out on. UGH - crap. i really want to go, hmmm....maybe i will just leave my desk area crappy messy and get the kids's room done and ready to go and the laundry done (staying up late to do that tonight) and i could possibly do everything......but do you ever get tired of doing everything?!?! i mean, i am seriously tired of trying to do everything. :(

this week cannot pass quick enough.

one more thought....

so today i had my alumni game from college - LOVED it. it was so nice to see everyone today and, well, it was nice to receive some compliments - playing a college sport with 16 other women, you tend to know EVERYTHING about each other. And all my friends were genuinely surprised that I was into photography and graphic design. Apparently I hid my love for arts very well - lol. Anyway, a few friends said, we went to your site and thought - holy shit she did this?!?! i was so flattered, and it was really nice for a change to hear it from an objective person rather than just my family - kiwm?

so i have also never been one to hide my feelings well. my friend from college is coming into town this week and i am dreading it with every fiber in my being. we were close. really close. but then i found a man, got married and had a child. i also became a sahm (not our choice, i was laid off and decided to not find another job) anyway, she would come out here and judge us. she would stay with us b/c we offered, but those stays quickly turned into "you don't treat your hubby right, you need to be nicer, you need to do this, you need to do that" and the flirting with our husbands (i say our b/c there are others on my team who have hubbys that she flirted with) and then when i had a child, the comments got worse, t hen turned to me getting back into shape.

apparently she has some martha stewart, june cleaver FUCKING WARPED idea of what a SAHM does. I can't help her there, i just can't stand to educate one more person on the benefits of staying at home and why it works for us. i am also not either martha or june, nor does my home look like either of theirs. we know this, we struggle with this and we are working on this. i say we b/c it takes all of us to make a mess. and honestly i shouldn't have to clean up after everyone 24/7. anyway, i offered to have her and her boyfriend stay here with us. we have the kids move to our bdroom, and all would be well. but when i offered, she just say "um, no. we won't be staying with you. i don't know where we will stay, but it won't be with you"

that's it. nothing more or less, but very rude and to the point. which is fine. but it hurt the hell out of my feelings. you know what she could have taken an extra 45 seconds to say "wow, that's really nice of you to offer, but we know how crowded you are in the first place, and we will make our own arrangements"

so since then, i really haven't talked to her. she had her bday and i had mine. i sent her a gift b/c it was her 30th bday and one of her AZ friends did a surprise bday party for her and i just really couldn't make it. so then she felt obligated to send me one, and i got it and called her immediately and that was 2 months ago. haven't heard from her at all.

i am heartbroken, but on the same token, i am not. i don't have time for this shit-i have so much going on in my own world that i just cannot devote another minute to figuring out her head. nordo i want to especially after that last comment. i just am so hurt- and i possibly did something else that hurt her, but shit that just sucks.

and she is coming, this thursday - apparently as someone from the team told me today - and i didn't even know she was coming that day for some reason. thank god my ILs will be in town. i have a fund raiser this friday night, and then we are escaping to the mountains with the ILs to get out of town and that way i won't be here to talk to her.

our never ending quest

we went looking at new homes again today. you know what? we both liked the same home - i was shocked. purely shocked. and it is a new build, which would rock too.

the only problem is going to be our home. and trying to sell it and to be able to pay out our house before purchasing the new one.

we are both totally motivated right now. not only b/c our house is coming along nicely b/c the ILs are a comin, but b/c this just "feels right". I know that sounds odd, but if you know our whole story things have just come together for us in our world, like it was scripted or something. and this is truly one of those moments for both of us.

anyway, the kids are off with the grandparents this weekend, and we have had a glorious time right now. do i miss them? of course. but it has been a nice time trying to reconnect as a married couple :)

apparently i am stressed out.

ya. you heard it right. i sat down tonight and started thinking why i am feeling anxiety - here's what i came up with

• my ILs are coming, but i have no clue when
• our house needs to be scoured for their arrival
• they were going to bring dogs, but now aren't
• still don't know when they are coming....or leaving for that matter!
• kids are headed with my parents this weekend - this will be the first weekend trip away from us, and oddly, i am looking forward to it
• i have an alumni softball game on saturday
• next friday a fundraiser dinner which i have to get all gussied up for
• next saturday fun filled day of playing photographer :)
• the following week a birthday party and wedding in the same day

that doesn't seem like a lot when i look at it written down, so i am going to chalk this one up to my issues with pmdd. yes, laugh out loud, but it is seriously true. i have it. I used to take YAZ but now i cannot be on bcp, so there is an agenda for me and my OB visit this month as i have every single symptom below and some are worse than others. I just want to be 'fixed' kwim?

http://www.yaz-us.com/home.jsp

Heres some PMDD symptoms which was me...

Emotional symptoms: Irritability Moodiness Feeling anxious/tense Feeling sad or depressed A sense of hopelessness Feeling worthless/guilty Feeling overwhelmed/out of control Feeling sensitive Having conflicts A diminished interest in activities Difficulty concentrating

Physical symptoms: Bloating Increased appetite Fatigue Muscle aches Headaches Food cravings Sleeping more Trouble sleeping Breast tenderness Breast swelling

sometimes all it takes is a cocktail to wind down.

wow, i am so glad hubby came home. I really needed a cocktail tonight. after being late for everything today (like 10+ minutes late) to school, gymboree, back to school to pick up child, it was just too much for me to then also have a speeding ticked slapped on me.

i am so tired tonight. i am so stressed out with the uncertainty of when the ILs will get here. I am just thankful hubby is giving the natives a bath right now. I really needed 20 minutes to myself.

Send me some love!!!

Lookie - I have no comments anywhere! lol. yup, no comments. sometimes when there are no comments it makes me think that no one is reading. if you are reading, send me some love!! :)

I talked to my cousin last night, she is getting married. She has a lot of friends in our state that are getting married - she isn't located here, she is in California, but they can't decide between here or there, so they are going to get married in Florida!! LOL - Florida! wow. I don't blame her though, they are having a hard time with all family and friends, I just reassured her that your wedding is really for you, so make sure you enjoy it!

Anyway, I am going to SF in November, and at that time I will get to take her engagement photos- you have NO idea how freakin excited I am. NO IDEA. And she wants me there to take the photos for the wedding. I am so excited - my first wedding where I am the official photographer :) not that i wasn't before, but there are distinct differences between being the main and the 2nd. Her wedding will be small (most likely under 40 people), so no need for a 2nd, but i am truly excited for her (and secretly excited for me :)

That being said, I am sitting here looking at a mound of CRAP on my desk that MUST get attention today. That is my goal for today. I should post pics of my desk before and after...hmmm...i will go get a photo and then hopefully report on the progress later.

why i now am a proponent of carrying 4 beach towels in my car.

i am sure glad they make leather seats. so this week, no last week, on wednesday we were driving to costco - my sis, e and v, and myself of course. we got almost there, and then we saw something out of a movie- v was puking his guts out - like projectile vomiting in the car. i was amazed. we stopped, i pulled over. my sister went to e's side, she couldn't bare the smell or look of v. meanwhile i was digging out chunks of unprocessed broccoli and chicken and his lunch, pancakes. nice. just what i wanted to be doing. in my moment of sheer meltdown, i glanced in the back of the car and saw a bright pink towel - i ran to the back, only to see 3 more towels!! HOOOOORAYYY!!! I WAS SAVED.

so i threw one on my poor guy, and then drove home. wrapped him up in multiple towels, took him to the bathtub stripped and bathed (well, my sis did :) ) then e and i went outside and hosed off his carseat and the leather with baby wipes - WOW leather sure does clean well :) i was so excited!!

anyway, he puked all night. e puked all friday night and then he puked again last night. thank god i only felt queasy on sunday. or i would have been horrible to deal with. my babies are better - except v is trying to push through 4 eye teeth at once (which might explain his puking too)

oh no you di'nt

I have to tell you guys about my lunch date.

we went to lunch with a former co-worker. Now, she is pregnant, but not pregnant, she is a control freak whom can mostly hide it. Pregnant, she is a hormonally raging woman, whom is also of french origin, and holy shit she just about made me jump out of my seat.

to start this off, i feel really bad for my e. she was so sweet and so kind and i have learned my lesson, no more lunches with this woman.

the last time we went to lunch, she complimented me on how well behaved my children are and then proceeded to discipline e at the table, this from a woman who doesn't have any children AND well, she is not family therefore she cannot discipline my children.

so today at the table, e got in first, and then v and then me, so em was sitting by her at the half round table. e loved her and sat very close to her, which wigged her out (uh, get used to it, you are 5 months preggo) and then proceeded to tell e every. single. fucking. thing. that she did wrong, from coloring wrong, to using napkins wrong, to putting napkins down wrong, to accidentally kicking her, etc. it was a night mare, only b/c i could see the sadness in e's eyes.

by the time the food came, pancakes their FAVORITE, she cut them up for her, and then poured MAYBE a tsp of syrup for her. e asked for more please, and she said you have enough - HELLO NUTCASE - I AM HER MOTHER, AND YES I WILL DECIDE WHEN SHE HAS HAD ENOUGH.

so, minutes go by, e just eats her applesauce and then she sits back and almost looks like she is going to cry. i said, e do you want more syrup? and she said no, and i said, wow then i will have to use your syrup b/c you have a ton left! and then she smiled and said yes please, and i poured the entire heap on it - to passively prove a point.

you know, we do not go out often - or a better description of us going out is NEVER. we don't have the money - we go to lunch once in awhile with my mom, but going out - to a niceer restaurant than an italian deli, is rare. so my children can have whatever they want. period. (well, okay within reason, but a 4 tbsp syrup container is not out of reason)

anyway, it was horrible. by the end it was horrible. e kept kicking her (accidentally of course) but every time she kicked her, she would say - you are kicking me, you need to apologize now - hello lady - she is THREE. not THIRTY FIVE LIKE YOU.

i was so fuming by this point, i said, e to make sure that you are not invading her space please move towards me, and e did and she said, oh you don't' have to move, and i said yes she does b/c she is obviously bothering you.

you know, 3yo's sometimes point to things that they don't know what it is - that is how they learn what something is - and e pointed to a piece of food, b/c she didn't know what it was, but wanted to try it - and she immediately pulled her hand down AND DISCIPLINED her for pointing.

we got out of the booth, and she took v for a walk to the car, and i picked e up and gave her a huge hug and kiss and told her that it doesn't matter what a stranger tells her she is doing wrong, just as long as mommy and daddy love what she is doing she is doing just fine - and daddy and i are the only ones that she needs to listen to - and if she is uncomfortable in a situation, all she has to do is ask me to sit by me. she smiled at me and i was seriously about ready to cry. i hugged her and carried her to the car, i felt so bad - and for those of you who know me, I do not carry her (or v very much for that matter) anywhere.

WTF gives people the right to do things like this? i mean, i was FLOORED FLOORED. i couldn't deal anymore - i just told hubby that i will just have to be busy for the next 10 years if she calls for lunch again. or if she is lucky enough to have me answer the phone again in my lifetime.

at least my kids won't be with me.

A very true statement for business.

I recently read another local photographers blog where she put down her competition, and even more directly, the photographer that took her family photos a few months ago!

Anyway, when in business in any industry, it is very important to know that you never know who is reading your public information. However, more importantly, putting down another business is just plain wrong. I understand the need to justify why you are different and to differentiate yourself from the competition, and you can do that without putting down others. It looks tacky and in the end it is just bad juju.

This is an excerpt from a post from a photography board I am on, this woman was recently accepted into the professional forum and did a lot of reading from a professionals standpoint. This is what she had to say about differentiating yourself amongst your competition and putting your competition down:

"So for those of you with websites that have 'about me' pages - if you are saying ANYTHING about your competition - that you are faster, cheaper, better , etc. etc. - can I highly recommend you take it out now! Seriously, you have NO idea how smart that would be until you get into the professional forum and start reading threads.

So this is my reminder: photography isn't like Coke and Pepsi. It's a true community and everyone is interconnected in some way. So putting down your competition now is as stupid as shooting yourself in your foot. I think you'll find that you'll have a hard time with the professional organizations later and that you'll be perceived as a very narrow minded person who cuts down the industry as a whole just to make yourself stand out - that you can't do it with talent so you do it with attacks."

My weight loss challenge.

So I found this awesome site - Spark People - and their site reminds me somewhat of weight watchers, only its FREE!!

I have been using this site, beginning this week. It tracks your weight loss, your exercise and, get this, MAKES MEALS FOR YOU!! And also has a place where you can add things if you don't want to eat their meal for the day.

I LOVE THIS SITE! Also, I am proud to say that since July I have lost 10 lbs. Seems as if the thyroid medicine is working :)

my-calorie-counter.com The webs free Food Tracker

My heavy heart.

I read a blog often, it is about a young family whom just lost their child to cancer. I mean, it just seriously aches my heart. I get tears every time I read her entries, about dealing with daily life after her son passing. I know that she is hurting, and for some strange and odd reason, I really want to just drive 1.5 hours to see her and give her a hug. I don't know her personally, I have never met her. But I feel like I know her. I mean, we belong to the same "cancer club", the one that drains every living being out of your family, all the tears out of your eyes, and all the life our of your soul. Only I was lucky enough to survive. And so was she, her hubby and her two girls. And now we both (along with every other survivor and family member of a person who didn't survive) have survivors guilt. I mean, why did I survive? why did this poor small child not? Who picks and chooses?

My heart just aches for this family. And I am sending all the love and peace to them I can virtually.

OMG OMG OMG - LOOKIE at my new template!!!

I am soo excited :) it's the little things in life

FABULOUS weekend

I had a FAB weekend with some girl friends. We went to the cabin, hung out, drank - and talked like teenage girls until the wee hours of the night. It was seriously what the doctor ordered.

I truly miss my girlfriends- or having them that is. You know, when you have play dates, it isn't really for the mommies with all of us who have children this age, it is truly for the kids as us mommies don't even normally get to finish a sentence because we are constantly looking after our kids and counting heads.

Since there was so much silence and time to think at night (massively due to children NOT waking us up, the house being pitch dark, and adding in a bit of alcohol to get some REAL sleep), I did figure out that I am not as nice as some. I have really been jaded along the line - maybe it was my upbringing (daughter and granddaughter of police officers), maybe running my own business or running a chat form or just my own life experiences that have made me really question people and who they are. I mean, really, there are some in my life (including online) that I have had differences with but I don't hate them or wish ill upon them, my feelings just get butt hurt sometimes and it takes me back to when I was a teenage girl. And I HATED my teenage years. I know that I will get over feeling this way, eventually, and I know that most people are truly nice people, but I guess you just need to draw lines for yourself so that you don't continue to get walked over.

I did come to the conclusion driving home in an empty car, singing my heart out to 80's and 90's music thanks to XM radio, that I desperately need to seek a physician who will listen to me and my concerns about my health. I am not "over" having cancer, I seem to have many emotional and psychological issues stemming from this and they need to be addressed. I am not the same person inside as I was 5 or 6 years ago. I mean, I don't intend to go back that way as I think you need to grow as a person, but I feel like the core of my being has been disrupted and I need to fix that and me before I can give fully of myself to others.

Does my hubby know this? yes. does he know that this is to the extent it is? probably not. I try to talk to him, but lately i am getting blank stares or the infamous 'what do you mean?' comment. Most likely due to the immense stress put on him by his boss in his job and then i feel like i cannot put more stress on him with this issue. So i guess i just feel like i am at this alone. Not many people understand the medical, physical and emotional stress and limitations that have been bequeathed to me, and no one knows how to fix it. And i am tired of talking to people about it that can't help me. Please don't take this as an I don't appreciate you listening to me and giving me hugs, I just feel that it is high time that I take this seriously and that I get myself help.

the longer i am a mom, the more laid back i become.

i mean, i would have NEVER let my lil girl sit on the side of the tub with me, 1/2 naked and soaking her feet just b/c she wanted to and when she accidentally got her undies wet b/c she jumped in, i just said, eh, go change them.

i mean, who is this woman?!?! ;) really, stepping back and saying, well, she has 30 more pairs to go put on, and it really isn't a huge deal. it totally made her happy to help me wash my shoulders - i mean she thought that rocked. and you know what? we needed some time to ourselves, just the girlies. she starts school next week. she is growing up. i won't have this awesome time with her for much longer, and as of next week, she will be forced to grow up.

i am not ready for this.

ever get those DUH moments?

so today i had an overwhelming feeling that i NEEDED to check our checking account. I was driving to lunch, not paying b/c my mommy is nice :) but felt like i needed to check it immediately.

well, life happened, i cooked, i ate, got sick, and then had to go to my class at the juco, and then got home and finally, i am sitting here at midnight and was able to check my account.

we were minus $45.00!! why? b/c idiot me forgot to transfer $300 for the appraisal on our home. now, under normal circumstances this wouldn't have been so bad, if we weren't making our FIRST payment on our car and thank god we have overdraft protection and it covered our payment. good god. some days i really wonder how i keep track of my own brain.

i went to class tonight, and the professor asked me if i would be willing to teach the business side of running a photography business - ie: taxes, a marketing plan, logo, design, customer relations, etc.

he said he HATES that part of the business, and he admits that he isn't so good at it and was wondering if i would come up with a book and class outline and then he would get me connected with who i needed to be to teach the class.

so i got to thinking....there is usually 4-6 people per class. those 4-6 people pay $125 for a class, plus usually a $35.00 materials fee. I am guessing i would make about 50 per student, which wouldn't turn out to be so bad for 1 night per week for three weeks at a time. max 3 times per year. I am kind of excited about this and will probably be dreaming of this in the next few days :)

me, a teacher. one who HATED school. LOL.

*sniff* *cough* *sniff*

CRAP.

i think i am getting a cold - or it is horrible allergies!! i hate being sick during the summer.

oh, and get this. with all that is going on this week, we missed e's orientation at her new school.

we're great parents this week.

i understand.

i understand that...

i am supposed to be everything to everyone in my family.
my 3 and 1 yo depend on me for everything.
since i stay home, i am supposed to keep the house spotless.
i have to do all the financial work and figuring of things.
i worry so much over money and watch it like a hawk.
that everyone's needs come before mine.


I don't understand why....
my business ventures do not count.
there is little help from hubby and/or family.
i have to give up who i am to please everyone else.
why when i IM you at work, you can't spend 5 minutes talking to me when I am upset...
or let me know when you walk away from the computer so that i just don't think that you are ignoring me.

oh and how is this for a wcp....

i fixed my keyboard and now the space bar isn't jammed and is quiet again....i bet hubby loves me now more than ever!! :)