FABULOUS weekend

I had a FAB weekend with some girl friends. We went to the cabin, hung out, drank - and talked like teenage girls until the wee hours of the night. It was seriously what the doctor ordered.

I truly miss my girlfriends- or having them that is. You know, when you have play dates, it isn't really for the mommies with all of us who have children this age, it is truly for the kids as us mommies don't even normally get to finish a sentence because we are constantly looking after our kids and counting heads.

Since there was so much silence and time to think at night (massively due to children NOT waking us up, the house being pitch dark, and adding in a bit of alcohol to get some REAL sleep), I did figure out that I am not as nice as some. I have really been jaded along the line - maybe it was my upbringing (daughter and granddaughter of police officers), maybe running my own business or running a chat form or just my own life experiences that have made me really question people and who they are. I mean, really, there are some in my life (including online) that I have had differences with but I don't hate them or wish ill upon them, my feelings just get butt hurt sometimes and it takes me back to when I was a teenage girl. And I HATED my teenage years. I know that I will get over feeling this way, eventually, and I know that most people are truly nice people, but I guess you just need to draw lines for yourself so that you don't continue to get walked over.

I did come to the conclusion driving home in an empty car, singing my heart out to 80's and 90's music thanks to XM radio, that I desperately need to seek a physician who will listen to me and my concerns about my health. I am not "over" having cancer, I seem to have many emotional and psychological issues stemming from this and they need to be addressed. I am not the same person inside as I was 5 or 6 years ago. I mean, I don't intend to go back that way as I think you need to grow as a person, but I feel like the core of my being has been disrupted and I need to fix that and me before I can give fully of myself to others.

Does my hubby know this? yes. does he know that this is to the extent it is? probably not. I try to talk to him, but lately i am getting blank stares or the infamous 'what do you mean?' comment. Most likely due to the immense stress put on him by his boss in his job and then i feel like i cannot put more stress on him with this issue. So i guess i just feel like i am at this alone. Not many people understand the medical, physical and emotional stress and limitations that have been bequeathed to me, and no one knows how to fix it. And i am tired of talking to people about it that can't help me. Please don't take this as an I don't appreciate you listening to me and giving me hugs, I just feel that it is high time that I take this seriously and that I get myself help.